You’ve left me shaken, battered, and beaten down. You’ve taken my faith in the way things are “supposed” to be. You’ve stolen the most precious person in the world to me — the person I cherished, protected, admired, and shared a womb with. You’ve shaped a world that is darker and more uncertain for so many people.
You’ve made me afraid of the road ahead. Afraid for what will happen to my family. Afraid that the pain won’t lessen and the depression won’t lift. Afraid that I will break under the weight of any more sadness and despair. Afraid for our country, our planet, our humanity.
You’ve also left me amazed. Amazed at the sheer kindness of people and amazed at how deep friendships run. Amazed at those who stand up, dust off, and fight. You’ve forced so many of us out of our self-absorbed, anxiety-filled bubbles and into a world that is rawer, more vivid, and more beautiful. You’ve made us warriors.
People say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I don’t believe that God gives us anything. If that is true, then God is an asshole. Otherwise, why would God give Donald Trump the most powerful office in the world and the children of Syria suffering and death? I can’t believe that.
I also cannot believe we are made to “handle” things. I will never be able to handle my little sister’s death and the devastation it has left in its wake. We should not be asked to simply handle the shittiness that life presents to us. And I don’t think we’re meant to.
God doesn’t give us things and we are not obligated to handle things. God (whatever that word means to you) is love and we’re vessels for love. All we are obligated to do is open ourselves up to the love that’s around us and in us, feel and nourish it, and then spread it out. And for those of us who are broken, maybe our cracks allow for even more room inside of us for love.
I am not making resolutions this new year. I will not add or subtract anything. Instead, I will simply allow myself to be open. To let the broken parts of me fill up with the love that surrounds me — the love that surrounds us all. I will allow myself to fill up and spill out, over and over again, because I think that’s what we are meant to do.